Rika-Kyashi

I think it's time
I
either close this dA, once I get my final commission
and go make another one

OR
8'V;;; DELETE EVERYTHING TO HELL AND BACK. KILL IT WITH FIRE.

OR
JUST SLACK OFF AND NEVER GET AROUND TO DOING ANYTHING ABOUT MY GALLERY, DESPITE LOATHING IT.

In one of those moods where I just wanna get rid of everything in my art gallery. 8l;;;; At least the old stuff. I JUST
I CAN'T
IT LOOKS TERRIBLE/WEEABOO/WEIRD.

1. Are looks important in a relationship?
Not... particularly. I mean, unless you got some obnoxious nose or whatever.

2. Are relationships ever worth it?
I used to not think so, but one has to rethink their shit when they've been in a relationship for three or four years(fuck I forget, I suck at numbers).

3. Are you a virgin?
Nope. 8D;;;

4. Are you in a relationship?
Yes!

5. Are you in love?
I like to believe that I am. c:

6. Are you single this year?
Eeeenope.

7. Can you commit to one person?
Yes, I can. I mean, even if I got crushes on someone else, I'm devoted to the person in the relationship because they deserve it the most? And well, I love Dyl and all too so yeaaaah.

8. Describe your crush
Well, um... I guess I'll list a certain someone here since Dyl knows about it and all.
But ah!!! She's really, really, really adorable! And I dunno, she's literally the best person to talk to when you're upset. She's got a staggering sense of self-worth though, like me. However, she's strong though. She can pull herself together for you if she catches wind that you're upset. And that's something I really respect and admire, since I struggle with that.

9. Describe your perfect mate
Can I cheat and say Dylan -SHOT-
But, um, someone who can take control when I'm too scared to do so. However, also someone who isn't a hundred percent dominating. They gotta be funny too, since I like being silly with someone... And I do like people who are taller than me, rofl.
They also oughta be patient, though. I get depressed easily and ten minute conversations aren't going to cheer me right up. I'm a pain and acknowledge it, but I don't need you to shove it in my face and just make me feel worse. I love if you're just... nice to me, because if you are, then I'll end up coming around more than I would if you were to go like: FUCKING BELIEVE IN ME THAT YOU'RE NOT AN IDIOT!!!!!

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?
... I-I believe in soul mates? But, idk, not that.

11. Do you ever want to get married?
Considering I just had a dream where I was married and pregnant just last night(I WAS OLDER THOUGH... I THINK.)
I think that's a yes.

12. Do you forgive betrayal?
I'm too forgiving sometimes. But if you shame me too much or go too far with my friends, fuck you, don't ever talk to me ever again.

13. Do you get jealous easily?
I can get too jealous sometimes, but it's usually when my mood gets too shitty anyways.

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?
8l;;;;

15. Do you have any piercings?
GOD NO.

16. Do you have any tattoos?
Nope.

17. Do you like kissing in public?
Quick little kisses to make me feel light on my feet will do. c:

20. Do you shower every day?
Yes. Well, bathe.

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?
Well, yes. I mean, aside from Dylan, her crush on me is on and off.
IT'S A COMPLICATED MATTER, SHH.
But I don't mind either way at all. c:
WELL, I GUESS, I KINDA DO. BECAUSE I MEAN, HER CRUSHING ON ME CAN BE BAD SOMETIMES? I'M DATING DYL SO IT MAKES FEEL BAD AND WANT TO BE LIKE: FIND YOUR TRUE LOOOOOVE!!!! ;A;

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
I doubt it, rofl.

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
SI.

24. Do you think you'll be married in 5 years?
Maybe. c:

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?
NOPE
DYLAN, BREAK UP WITH MEEE.

26. Has anyone told you they don't want to ever lose you?
Yes. Mostly because with my breakdowns, it's not the physical thought of me being lost, but more or less the mental part.

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?
Yes. c:

28. Have you ever been cheated on?
Four times, three by the same dude, rofl.

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?
NOPE

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?
I would like a breast reduction at some point.
But at the same time, I wouldn't??? :C

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?
Yes.

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?
Hmm... Nope. o3o;;; People who I liked and wanted to date were like: OKAY!!!! 8D;
I'm usually the person who's like: Sorry, I don't feel that way.

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?
Yes.

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?
Yup. o3o;; I mean... I guess...? I DON'T KNOW.

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
Only by a month or so.

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?
YES.

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?
Si!

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn't expect to?
I believe I have, rofl. Don't remember who.

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn't have?
Sometimes. But then I remind myself I got mah babe. c:

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?
I DON'T THINK I HAVE....

41. Have you had sex so far this year?
YUP.
I NEED MORE OF IT
/SHOT

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?
It's more like HIS hands start to wander.
Meanwhile, I'm forever a noob at kissing even though you'd think I get used to it.

43. How long was your longest relationship?
The one I'm in now. It's 3/4 years?

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?
Counting grade school... 2.
And then middle school.... 1.
And high school is 2.
SO A TOTAL OF FIVE.

45. How many people did you kiss in 2011?
I believe one... or is it two? I FORGET.

46. How many times did you have sex last year?
Umm. W-well, when me or Dyl visits the other.
You lose count.
/SHOT
No really, you do.
8l

47. How old are you?
19!

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
I... I don't know. Because I've never had that issue?
But I guess I would be happy for them
(Probably secretly hurt though, shh)

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?
His girly laughs -SHOT-
But, nah, I just like how funny he is. And just how we can basically insult each other playfully.

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?
FUCK NO. I'D HIT DYLAN IN THE FACE -SHOT-
But really, yes.
I MEAN, I LIKE PRESENTS... -SHOT-

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?
.... Actually, several people.
And not all in the romantic sense.
But just because I really want to try and be helpful to everyone. :c

52. Is there anyone you've given up on? Why?
Brittany.
The living embodiment on why girls who are obsessed with guys and perfection are subjected to fail. :l

53. Is there someone mad because you're dating/talking to the person you are?
WELL, YUP.
8l; I don't care tho.

54. Is there someone you will never forget?
Several.

55. Share a relationship story.
Umm... Hm... I don't know why.
But I really like this one?
It's just a little thingy.... It's no hidden fact I have difficulty sleeping. I toss and turn in bed for hours before I finally manage to rest.
But when I'm with Dylan, that changes. He always let's me use his arm as a pillow, while he holds me close to him.
And well... It just helps me go to sleep faster and I know it has to be uncomfortable for him sometimes
But God, I just... love it. I just love that support so much from him. When I'm in his arms, I just feel... SAFE.

56. State 8 facts about your body:
1. I'm short, fuck you all.
2. I have these obnoxious boobs on my chest. 8l;;; 36 DD.
3. I have a scar because I got my appendix taken out as a little kid.
4. Umm... I do have an ass?
5. I'm also developing a little tummy that I wanna get rid of?
6. My feet are literally the ugliest things ever.
7. Sometimes, I can literally brush my hair for like a minute after I wake up and then people ask me what I did with my hair because it looks really good. And then I have to awkwardly go like: Nothing...
8. I apparently got nice legs, but it doesn't mean much since I'm so short, rofl.


57. Things you want to say to an ex:
I'm glad you're happy with her. You two are perfect.
And then the bad ex.
I'M SO FUCKING GLAD WE BROKE UP, BECAUSE YOU'RE UGLY.
58. What are five ways to win your heart?
-Support
-Confidence in me
-Humor
-Being cute
-Being dominating.

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)
TOO LAZY.

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?
A month. 8l

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?
Their face... and then clothes... AND THEN HAIR.
AND THEN THEIR SMELL.
Actually, smell comes first.

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?
U-Uh...
I'M NOT COMMENTING ON THIS. I'LL FEEL REALLY, REALLY SHY AND AWKWARD.
BUT YOU GUYS ARE GONNA BOTHER ME OVER AIM NOW.

63. What is your definition of "having sex"?
STICKING A DICK IN ME
/SHOT
Or like... I DON'T KNOW. I'M NOT VERY GOOD WITH THE GIRL VERSION OF IT.

64. What is your definition of cheating?
Being invested on someone else and taking advantage of that by getting intimate.
Something along those lines.

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?
.... Groping.... And also, hair grabbing.
CAN WE NOT TALK ABOUT THIS, SOB.
I'M AWKWARD WITH QUESTIONS ON MY SEX LIFE.

66. What is your favourite roleplay?
I GOT TOO MANY, OKAY.

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?
Dressing up and just having fun? c:
I like to wear dresses, sometimes.

68. What is your sexual orientation?
I'm not sure. I wanna say bisexual?
But maybe pansexual??
I'm just not sure. 8l;

69. What turns you off?
Smells.
And if you make a really dorky face during sex.
I'm the only one who can make dorky faces and noises.

70. What turns you on?
Umm... Dominance...
Hair grab.
Pinning....
Dominating things okay.
SHUT UP.

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?
I have no idea. o3o;;; I can't remember.

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?
I'M NOT ANSWERING THIS GOD, SOBS.

73. What's something sweet you'd like someone to do for you?
Give me a pretty bracelet or even a stuffed animal.

74. What's the most superficial characteristic you look for?
Hair. c:

75. What's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for you?
WON ME A SHADOW FALL PLUSHIE.
Or well, stayed up for me when I was distraught about losing my mom and staying up the WHOLE NIGHT on the phone.
AND THEN TALKING TO MY BEST FRIEND WHEN I WANTED TO CRASH, ROFL.

76. What's the sweetest thing you've ever done for someone?
I... I don't know.
Someone comment and tell me
I'm normally an ass to my friends, so it's hard to say.

77. What's your opinion on age differences in relationships?
I'm fine with up to 5 years difference, otherwise I start getting... uncomfortable.
And I mean, those... 20 year olds date 30 years olds are sweet stories
BUT I JUST FEEL BAD BECAUSE THAT 30 YEAR OLD IS MORE THAN LIKELY TO DIE BEFORE YOU.

78. What's your dirtiest secret?
WHY WOULD I TELL A QUIZ.

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?
When I thought my own feelings were getting put on the back burner, snort.

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?
Last night. c:

81. Who are five people you find attractive?
Dylan, Lolo, Brendon Urie, Jennifer Lawrence, and uh...
WILL SMITH.
THERE WE GO.
I MEA, HE'S GETTING OLDER, BUT HE WAS HOT WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER, OKAY.

82. Who is the last person you hugged?
... I have no idea. :c

83. Who was your first kiss with?
Dylan. We actually made lip contact!!!

84. Why did your last relationship fail?
Not counting the poly experiment
Or the one where I broke up with Dyl and got back together
But the last one was because he said he loved me after like a week and it freaked me out/I wasn't really that interested in him and all.

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?
THAT'S HOW ME AND DYL MET.
9 YEARS AGO.
NEOPETS.
/SWOONS

86. You'll love me if
If you love me back and don't ever plan on leaving my life entirely.

NOW OFF TO SCHOOL

A blog that I never show anyone because it'll be me just venting.
And everyone knows that I'm not rational when I vent.

But anyways, I've been... bleh for two weeks now.
Things are getting a bit better though, since I've been able to finally sleep again(fuq insomnia).
Aside from waking up in the middle of the night with back pains, sob.

But uh, yeah... Being bleh makes it difficult to talk to anyone right now. I only want to deal with certain people. You guys know who you are.
And I'm sorry you have to deal with me being so selfish? :c

Anyways, I just wrote this journal because I'm trying to work out of this depression instead of sitting around and doing nothing. So if I just write up some bullshit and it makes me feel better, then sweet.

Also, if I had a bigger room, I'd invest in buying a punching bag. 8l;;;
Punching metal and hard things isn't a good idea. My knuckles still hurt, sob.

And before someone asks why so blue?
I have no idea. It came out of nowhere, certain things made it worse, and I'm a pessimistic person. So, naturally, I always end up belittling myself like crazy, which makes it worse. I don't really know how to cope other than to lash out at people and that's not very good either.
I don't like self-harm stuff(well, aside from punching hard things apparently)
and I can't do anything creative when I get like this, since I look down at my own work.
So I'm usually trying to grasp straws on some way to put my feelings into something with little success.

So, yeah.
I just wanted to write this up for anyone who was concerned or interested.
/Leaves

I know I told myself I wouldn't freaking vent on here anymore.
But damn it, I don't have anywhere else too, so why not? The people I want to see it are the ones who read it anyways.

Anyways, yeah, dad had a heart attack on Friday. Insert the house being empty (minus Friday and a shitty Saturday night involving me being sick).
But you know!!! I handled it pretty well, a lot better than I would have expected!! I didn't get depressed. I was more or less focused on "OH GOD I FEEL SICK WHY."
Me and my family are... very small. I really consider it just as me, dad, my brother and his family.
The people in Florida don't really count anymore because, ahahaha, oops... They don't call to check on me? They don't e-mail me? They get on to me about me not calling them?? They don't even say happy birthday or congratulate me for graduating. So I have to crawl to THEM? Save for my cousin, but he's around my age and well... He's got a life of his own, you know??
There's one woman though that is outside of Florida that I absolutely do not like. And guys, I don't even REMEMBER this lady from when I was little.

That lady is my dad's mom. My "grandma". Ever since mom left dad, she stopped talking to us completely. When Reese moved up there, I do believe they spoke, because dad lived with grandma at the time and so Reese was bound to bump into them. I think they both paid for his first car(that he wrecked on April Fool's, ahaha). But she didn't try and call me to check on me when I had a sick mom to worry about(dad didn't either, but to be fair... Him and mom didn't get along and he took me in right off the bat when I needed him).
Instead, she dotes on my half-sister Amie and everything and just... Agh. It never bothered me so much.

But anyways, originally, I was supposed to move in with dad and her. But apparently she freaked out over it. Her and dad had some disagreements, but she really didn't like the idea of taking me. I mean, because I was a teenager I guess? I was troublesome (read: reclusive and it barely takes any money to provide for me food wise and clothes wise.)

Well, okay, I guess I can sorta get that?? I don't know the full story behind THAT. But anyways, when I moved up into Evelyn's house with dad... Because of the disputes her and dad had, she never once fucking called me or asked about me. The granddaughter she had, Amie, had my phone number. She could have easily asked for it. I lost my mom and she continued to act like I didn't exist.
I still didn't care until... Well, when I turned 18 and thought about how my family is.
And it hurts really badly, guys.
And then... Seeing people who have a tight-knit family... It makes me feel angry towards my own misgivings.

Anyways, why I'm venting about this woman.
So four years past ever since mom died and I never heard from dad's mom. Dad and her were still pissed off at each other, after all.
So that changed when dad had his heart attack. She actually visited him in the hospital when she found out from Amie. Told him she'd take him to the University of MD and drive him back home too.
Did that change anything? Hell no.

She was five minutes away from me, sitting in dad's hospital room. She didn't ask for directions to come and visit me. I was alone in my house, I'm sure dad told her as much. I was SICK, something I'm positive dad would have mentioned. And she did not fucking drive over here. She didn't call again.
So Sunday, I'm told to clean the house hardcore by dad and Reese. She'll be coming over when she drops dad off.
I was going to clean the house for dad anyways, but now I'm being told to clean it for this woman I... quite frankly don't want to give a shit about.
Still, maybe if dad can amend things... Then maybe I can start a relation with her. Maybe there was something I was missing. I don't know this lady at all personally.

But lol, nope, dad comes home today. It's only just him.
He doesn't give her an invitation... but she doesn't ask either. She could have MET me. I worked my ass off, got completely OCD over this woman. Trying to keep the house clean while I eagerly awaited for dad and her to come in.
Then he calls her to check on her to make sure she got home safe... She doesn't even fucking ask for me... She could have talked to me on the  phone! She could have asked, but she fucking didn't.

It hurts. It hurts really bad that because she didn't like my mom, that my dad pissed her off too, that both me and Reese get ignored by virtually everyone. That we have to prove ourselves for some reason. That we have to meet their expectations. And this lady isn't even giving me any standards to achieve. She isn't giving me a chance.

So, just... Yeah, fuck her. As Reese said it himself: It's her loss.